42 Things I like about the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Eoin lists his 42 favourite things about The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

1. The name. A funny title is an exceedingly positive start to any book.
2. Pan galactic gargle Blasters. The PG GB. Cocktails strong enough to give Eccentrica Gallumbits the HeeBee GeeBees.
3. And another thing – two-headed aliens. Two heads are generally better than one, but in Zaphod Beeblebrox’s case the opposite is true, especially since one head is clandestinely working against the other.
4. Towels. Finally towels are recognized as the vital accoutrement of the galactic hitchhiker. The next article in line for elevation is surely the humble but indispensible slotted spoon.
5. Vogons. remorseless aliens who prove that a being can be forgiven anything, even planet destruction, if they are uglier than us and unwittingly hilarious.
6. Mice. There is a severe shortage of evil mice in literature. It’s about time someone portrayed them as they really are. Bastards.
7. Beer and peanuts. Essential fortification for space hitchhiking. I’ve been saying it for years, over and over to anyone who would listen.
8. Quantum physics. Ejookashun while yer reading. Brilliant.
9. Flying. Who has not dreamed of flying? And now we can, all you have to do is not think about it. Accidental flight. Landing is a bit trickier.
10. Bulldozers. The victors in any bulldozer/organic matter collision scenario. Things could get messy, but not for the bulldozer.
11. Infinite alternate dimensions. Somewhere I am froody.
12. Tricia McMillan. A slim, darkish humanoid, with long waves of black hair, an odd little knob of a nose and ridiculously brown eyes. Many a teenage boy immediately neglected to not continue reading when they reached that particular passage.
13. Trillian Astra. Like Tricia McMillan except more glamorous and in space.
14. Wowbagger the infinitely Prolonged. The ultimate master of insults. A foul-mouthed being with a cool vehicle. Every young man’s ambition.
15. The number forty two. I could tell you what it means, but then I would have to spontaneously disassemble your atoms and flash transport them to an alternate universe, along with my own, seeing as I was the one who told you.
16. And another thing: Milliways, the restaurant at the end of the universe where the debate over how the universe actually ends is definitively solved.
17. Major cows. Beef that hurls itself on the barbeque. Now if only we could convince prawns and sheep to do the same.
18. The hitchhiker’s guide. I probably should have put this remarkable gizmo at number one, but this is a stream of consciousness list, unless I prioritize later, in which case the guide will be at the top.
19. Marvin the paranoid android. Possibly the most human character in the series. Someone who makes it okay to be fed up, even when things are going well, which they never are really.
20. Agrajag. Even more unlucky than Arthur Dent. You shouldn’t laugh at someone being mansalughtered over and over again. What sort of person would laugh at that?
21. The sperm whale. Agrajag’s spiritual brother. Utterer of the funniest and most bittersweet birth/death speech ever written by a human.
22. Disaster Area. The universe’s heaviest heavy-thrash-death-really-far-too-loud music combo. They make all other living on the edge groups seem like a retirement home knitting circle.
23. Majikthise the philosopher. Important not only because his name is hilarious and somehow disgusting, but because he disagrees violently with Deep Thought’s mission. People have a right to not know stuff and Majikthise has a right to hypothesize about stuff that is not known. For money, naturally.
24. Elvis Presley. Is the king dead? Of course not; he has, as astute conspiracy theorists have known for years, simply gone back to another planet. Maybe it’s his home planet, we are not sure. All we do know is that he’s in fine voice and working in a bar.
25. Betelgeuse 5. All hail the world that gave us Zaphod Beeblebrox and Ford Prefect.
26. Betelgeuse 7. All hail the world that gave us Ford Prefect’s dad, without whom . . .
27. The Infinite Improbability Drive. Be everywhere now! Then one place immediately. How handy is that.
28. The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation who gave us machinery with genuine people personalities. How did our self-esteem survive without doors to gush at us as we pass through?
29. Han Dold City. Where a punter can find everything from sociologist call girls to renegade police tribes, and jazz musicians are murdered for playing a single bum note.
30. And another thing: Krikkiters. Benign murderous beings, which is not an easy thing to be. Little did they know, they were being manipulated by…
31. Hactar. The gigantic space borne computer who could never make up his mind. First he wanted to destroy the universe, then he didn’t, then he did again.
32. Sandwiches. More important culturally than you might think. Just imagine a world without them and then imagine that you were the one giving them to the world without them. Would you be popular or what.
33. Slartibartfast. Hee hee. It’s not rude, but it is. Almost a fart, nearly a bastard and possibly a shit.
34. Jewelled scuttling Crabs. Serve quickly then run away. Sometimes the crabs fight back.
35. The Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Big scary beast that blats bugs and lives in the Traal region apparently. Bit of a reputation. rumored to have quietened down recently but finding it hard to settle due to challenges from all the hungry young bug blatters trying to make names for themselves.
36. Dolphins. Nice and all, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying they’re not nice, but come on, they are just a touch smug. Oooh, look at me with my clever back flips and cute nose. Okay, I am saying it. I hate dolphins. So long and thanks for all the fish. How difficult would it have been to write that on a whiteboard?
37. Dogs. One dog in particular, the one who swallowed the entire G’Gugvuntt and Vl’hurg battle fleet. Hilarious. Probably had mutant pups, though.
38. The most useless third, of Golgafrinchans that is, conned into leaving their planet because of imminent planet destruction, they crash landed on Earth and planet which was totally destructed (cosmic irony).
39. Mattresses. Don’t feel bad about sleeping on them, they don’t mind. And if you hear a squelching sound in the middle of the night, it is not your husband, it is your mattress having a marsh dream.
40. Silastic Armourfiends. A race even more mindlessly violent than humans. Finally. Humans are so violent that we are typecast as cold, sneering bad guys in almost every hit action-holo on the sub-etha.
41. Babel fish. remarkable creatures that eat words and pooh translations, not to be confused with Babble fish who eat birds and pooh Alsatians. It’s a neat trick but they can only do it once.
42. And one more other thing: Douglas Adams. The man, the legend, almost as smart as a mouse.

• Blog post by Eoin Colfer
• 26 May '10